Welcome the Dark
My cup of faith emptied through no fault my own
In fact if anything it should have been overfilled
I had grown accustomed to knowing I was not alone
Now the presence of God nearby no longer instilled
Life went terribly wrong in ways I cannot explain
Faith disappeared, I questioned if it was ever there
The loss doubled as human condition caused pain
I was left with nothing to grasp in complete despair
I prayed intensely, but what I said felt ignored
I searched for peace with walks and meditation
Yet solace and comfort was not to be my reward
All alone, the days increased to nights that frighten
Terrified of both; loss of faith and human kindness
I reached to my pastor in last hopes for an answer
Words could not be found to describe this blackness
God was simply not there, life had become a disaster
I had no where to turn except to self made mortality
I had to give up reaching out to God in every way
for when I tried the pain increased exponentially
This flash of insight started to help ease night to day
The test became could I, alone, read from the ambo
knowing God’s spirit would not fill me with courage
God was truly gone, of that I no longer was in limbo
All this time, all this energy, to forget His language?
My mind thought of times now far out of reach
Failure assured, in love, I would still give my best
I walked towards the finish, towards the breach
and found myself transformed into a place of rest
Heart exploded to know Christ now dwelled inside
As He floated us to the spot where grace read aloud
Christ’s new permanency, never again to be denied
Light shone bright, darkness just a passing cloud
This night flushes away what we think we can face
and let us rise outside the limits of human birthmark
God brings our souls to the edge of heavens preface
so ours hearts can flame to new love with this spark
Years ago, I had just finished completing a faith-based task that had given me tremendous joy, and my life could not have been better. Less than 24 hours later, I had a traumatic experience that should not have gone the way it did. God decided to let my faith crash and burn over a very long three-week period. I know now but did not know then that God does this sometimes, even to His most faithful servants. The closest emotional feeling is one of complete abandonment, and it carries with it associated nightmares of an endless abyss. I can assure you there is nothing more emotionally painful for someone who has previously constantly felt the presence of God. When God senses your preconceived notions about Him and your own self-worth is destroyed, He comes back with a wonderous vengeance, so to speak.
In my case, He chose to do it when I was left with only my human abilities in an attempt to read the Word in front of hundreds at the Ambo, even though I knew for sure I would fail. In truth even though I felt God had indeed abandoned me, I knew in my past I loved Him so much so I was prepared to make a fool of myself. Nothing is more humbling than knowing the only way you will read aloud to an entire parish is with God’s help. I was literally just a few feet from the ambo when I was completely consumed in His love, and I swear I physically floated the rest of the way there, reading as I had never read before.
This experience changed me dramatically, especially the sense of the presence of Trinity being far more intense and intimate, along with remarkable clarity of my human failings. With my heart open, my journey now consists of constantly changing horizons. Short moments of dark times occasionally come and go but now I know each time will bring its own lesson.
For further reflection: St John of the Cross – The Dark Night
Welcome the Dark (painting by Jerry)
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This poem is included in the collection of 40 poems in the category of A Moment for Christ within the Immersive Prayer website is also available in book form on Amazon in Paperback or  . All Proceeds go to Charity. |
Additional Thoughts about my Poetry
This site has written permission from New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (NRSVCE) to use Bible passages.
I believe my poetry fits snugly into the category of grounded mystical Christian theology. I have studied, written, and spiritually and physically applied this practical concept in my life for nearly two decades. I have never seen or participated in what some might call a vision or phenomenon. However, I appreciate that they may be a reality for the person or group, and God has provided them with deep consolation. For me, consolation is the beginning of a two-way relationship with God.
My own experiences are more intellectual in nature because I lean toward engineering and science. The reality for me is that God is always present because we are his tabernacles. We constantly miss His surfacing of lighter than a feather touch because we are a physical people. We talk about opening our hearts to this love, but techniquely, our intellect gets in the way. I have been trying to prove this virtually every day for well over a decade by documenting what I believe are grounded mystical thoughts in various ways.
Would you like to contribute related thoughts to these reflections of the contemplative material of this Web-based ministry? Do you see God’s grandeur everywhere and unconditionally enjoy sharing the love of Christ that you have inside? Are you willing to be anonymous in what you would share? If so, email me.
Prayer for young families:
Lord, let the young families of our communities experience your joy, peace, comfort, and love despite the world’s distractions.
Primary Lectio Divina word or phrase: Welcome the Dark
Page and discussion group on these Lectio Divina daily Gospel Readings.
Discussion group on St. John of the Cross.
Other affiliations
Peace,
Jerry